Noblesse Po'blige

Our Mission

2009-02-25T10:55:00.000-05:00

Being broke has been out of style since the last great depression. Or at least it has for those who live outside the sun and rust belts. But now that the economic contagion is spreading to the once insulated redoubts of the postindustrial economy, many are finding themselves part of the new downwardly mobile class.

Yet boasting a JV bankroll has never meant that one has to live that way. This used to mean buying a Williamsburg condo on an ARM loan, or Sephora eye cream with the AMEX. Sadly, the global credit clusterfuck has rendered these options embarrasingly passe. Which is to say, tightening the belt is not just for pensioners or developing countries anymore.

Fortunately, we at NP have long experience reconciling our Champagne tastes with our Night Train budgets. Check in with us during the weeks ahead: as things go from bad to worse, we'll help you to watch your accounts dwindle with panache.

Send your queries to noblessepoblige@gmail.com

Double Stuff

2009-02-03T13:23:00.002-05:00

NP has always lived by the old maxim: "Ask and ye shall receive." In affairs of the heart, mind, and pocketbook, it never hurts to come out and demand what's yours.

NP staff historically promoted this behavior through its financial planning arm. Specifically, if a credit card or mortgage rate was too high, or those late and change fees too onerous, call a manager and raise hell. The old "do you know who I am? I'm a banker! I'm going places! You need me more than I need you!" used to be effective at scoring low fixed rates, and scaring call center jockeys into providing real customer service. It's pretty clear by now though that there is no credit to be had, even at biblically usurious rates of interest and that playing the banker card has more traction in the WIC line than on the line with your broker.

That said, that frugal-mindedness and hard earned chauvinism can be readily deployed elsewhere. For example, the food counter. One NP correspondent recently tested this theory at a midtown Chipotle, where simply insisting on "a little more, a little more yet" at each point in the assembly line yielded an unsealable burrito monstrosity, a true caloric bonanza fit for multiple servings. And at no extra cost! NP looks forward to seeing what readers come up with in the weeks ahead. Aim high!

Freegan

2009-01-25T11:28:00.005-05:00

An old saying goes, "If it's free, it's vegan." NP also has a saying: "You get what you pay for." Nonetheless, in these times of hardship, our correspondents have turned reluctantly to tactics used by some elements of the social fringe.

Even in times of plenty, cadres of disenfranchised trust-funders, tree huggers, and self-righteous WTO protesters have often opted for the flagrantly unsanitary and declasse practice of dumpster diving. Popularized by the decidedly sexier subculture of urban hackers, late night romps with wire and bolt cutters, sifting through detritus for salvageable refuse have caught on among Ras Trent lookalikes and Ani DiFranco fans the world over. Only these miscreants aren't interested in credit card details or discarded passwords: they simply crave rotten apples, spoiled pastry, and maybe the remnants of that bottle of Old Smuggler from last night's party.

While many of the yields of late night dumpster raids are of such inferior quality that they must be dressed up or masked over like bathtub gin or a bad tattoo, it is remarkably easy to score 86ed foodstuffs in volume. A slow day at the bakery or an overshipment of moldering endives usually means that the more assiduous among you can accumulate Costco sized quantities of immune-system stimulating foodstuffs for the whole family/squat/performance collective. What's more, many higher end urban establishments are accustomed to wandering vagrants and local charities picking through their rubbish heaps, so poach on.

As they say, beggars can't be choosers, but with the copious bounty on offer in the back alleys of New York, Chicago, and San Francisco, maybe *you* can.

Duty Free

2009-01-23T12:04:00.004-05:00

The downwardly mobile would have been well advised to switch their rapidly shrinking investment accounts to a portfolio that is absolutely recession-proof: the Vice Fund. Even (especially!) in times of hardship, cigarettes, alcohol, and the sex boast what economists term "inelastic demand curves." No matter the price, we always want more, perhaps more so when our lives are going off the rails.

The government is hip to these economic patterns and has, accordingly, levied massive taxes on these necessary goods--a frightfully regressive tax policy in NP's opinion, as it affects those who are most vulnerable and least able to pay, and at every trip to the battered corner bodega.

But with declining fuel costs, many have rediscovered the joys of cheap travel, and a loophole. Duty free shopping is available every time a border is crossed these days. So in addition to cheap pills and cut rate goods acquired during trips overseas, to Canada, or to Mexico, why not raid one of these borderline super mercados, where taxes are virtually non-existent, and the savings get passed on to the consumer?

While each Duty Free has its specialization, e.g. certain sale items, and limited brand choice, there's usually something for everyone. Heavily discounted Pimm's? Check. Those adorable "giant pack" 20 ct. cartons? They've got it, be it Marlboros or Carnivals. Many locations even stock untariffed jewelry and perfumes, for that special someone. Best of all, staff treats consumers like the globe trotting connoiseurs they are. So head for the border with an empty truck bed, and relive the glory days of prohibition--the more enterprising among you may even turn a tidy profit in the gray market.

Jolly Old

2009-01-19T17:47:00.011-05:00

As NP staff spreads, like the current financial crises, to increasingly distant locales, look for tips gleaned from a downwardly mobile communities the world over.

The current installment comes from across the pond, where NP staff recently enjoyed the downward spiral of the Pound Sterling. Indeed, the once roaring London financial sector is taking a beating, leaving formerly bustling restaurants and markets barren, encouraging massive sales at posh high street shops, and allowing foreign visitors the brief sensation that they are not, for once, carrying confederate money.

In addition to providing downsized Americans and Europeans with a tempting alternative to the newly voguish staycation, the recent readjustment in global finance allows the British to return to the vocation at which they are best...being broke. That's right: before the boom years of the late 1990s, the UK was a veritable economic backwater, boasting unwieldy regulation, a rusting manufacturing economy, and punishing tax rates of up to 90% (remember the Beatles song?). Below, some helpful hints culled from our north Atlantic cousins.

1. The Dole

While many Americans from across the professional spectrum are newly discovering the sweet relief of state unemployment insurance, they are doing so with a typically American sense of guilt and dissatisfaction. The Brits remind us, however, that one can sap governmental coffers with alacrity. A half century of experience proves there's no shame in that game. Quite the opposite: for decades after the second world war, the British government was functionally a machine for transferring wealth to scores of underemployed who transformed studied idleness into a national pastime. With little prospect of recovery in the housing, finance, or leisure industries any time soon, it looks like they had the blueprint all along. So take a cue from our former colonial overseers, by retaining a stiff upper lip while shamelessly doing the things you always wanted to do during the work week, from drinking heavy beer before noon and watching televised sport, to imbibing a steady stream of celebrity gossip and spending entire monthly stipends on Burberry hats and hoop earrings.

2. Pye

There has been in recent years a resurgence in medieval cooking throughout the UK. This means a return to pairings of mead and dark ales with shortbreads, roasted game, and a variety of casseroles and pies. Not that the new-found British interest in all things culinary was strictly necessary for the diffusion of the latter. As one observer put it, "while Americans seem to think only fruits and sweet creams are suitable for pies, over here we'll put bloody anything into a crust." That they will. From steak and kidneys to potatoes and chutney, pastry encased food is ubiquitous throughout the UK. While the commuter's favorite may remain the successful (and delicious) line of train station Cornish pie stands, the more rough-hewn 13th century variety may be more suitable for the NP budget. Simply purchase frozen pie crust from the corner deli and fill with whatever stray food is lingering in the fridge, say cabbage, scraps of gristle, shredded kraft cheese, dumpster lettuce, or, in a nod to Young Einstein, anything too slow to escape its doughy fate. Cover with additional layer of crust, slather with egg, and bake at 400. Poverty never tasted so anachronistic.

3. Beanz

The musical fruit. If rudimentary pye-making is beyond your ken, try the Heinz. NP has long advocated the preparation of dried beans as a cheap, all purpose gut-bomb with Latin American cachet. Nevertheless, a quick survey of southern England suggests that for economy and versatility the pull-tab turquoise tin of Beanz makes an excellent garnish or meal unto itself. Try on eggs, ham, on white toast, or straight from the can. By adapting this favourite of starving SOAS students and Fleet Street financiers alike, you'll painlessly add a dash of transatlantic panache to those dreary 11AM breakfasts.

4. Filter

It's well established that the rolled cigarette is the most pecunious and stylish choice for the downwardly mobile, yet many readers have noted that they simply cannot cowboy up and enjoy the taste of a mouthful of loose tobacco. Fear not: at corner shoppes throughout the UK one can find Swan brand filters. For a scant 50p for a box of 120, these slim-fit bits of fibreglass practically sell themselves.

5. Coat of Arms

What would the British men be without their dashing school-boy aesthetics (all college stripe ties, v-neck sweaters, and blazers)? Nothing, that's what. And with hedge funds drying up, downwardly mobile professionals will be, in our estimation, less willing to shell for crisp Turnbull and Asser shirts, heavy pinstripes, and opulant, thick-knotted ties; those power suits already in the rotation may well be sullied by the remnants of post layoff benders, Ramen soup, and spilled malt liquor. Nevertheless, as recent recon overseas reminds us, the Etonian style is not just for kids or Harry Potter lookalikes. A well-fitted blazer over jeans gets the job done, and if lack of funds rules out a trip to Spitalfields or Camden market in London, used jackets abound in American cities, from local charity shops to the Salvation Army, where gems frequently turn up from septuagenarian closets or the "back of a truck." Dress up with folded kerchief or table napkin for continental flair, but do avoid the temptation to don anything with epaulets or military insignia. The neo-field marshal look is for art students and perverts.

6. Fieldwalking

Need to walk off that calorically-obscene diet of ale and pie? Turns out the British have just the ticket. Centuries after systematically deforesting, enclosing, and paving over all available wilderness areas on the island, the English are left with little alternative but to walk across another person's sodden hayfield, radish crop, or horse pasture. While the UK original elevates neither the heartrate nor the spirits, NP predicts that American variants (incursions into exurban backyards, for instance, or a jaunt across the central court of low-rise projects) might add an element of risk and reward to this perennial favourite.

Street Legal Coffee

2008-11-18T09:54:00.005-05:00

The past fifteen years, marked by rising incomes (or credit debt) ushered in a period of widespread improvement in the American standard of living. Most notable among them: the Arabica revolution. Grown at higher elevations of the already limited global coffee belt, the Arabica bean was once considered the connoisseur's choice. It is now the industry standard thanks to the purchasing power of Dunkin' Donuts and upwardly mobile willingness to spring for $2-4 bean squeeze.

But as any lifestyle coach is happy to point out, a daily coffee habit clocks in for the average urbanite at $60-$100 per month, a tidy sum that, for many, will need to be re-routed to Campbell's soup in the months ahead. Nevertheless, with its protestant work ethic and overweening ambition America has always been fueled on coffee. While NP suspects that some readers will settle on a more continental approach (early AM wine binge), for many others, old habits will die hard. But a recession is no excuse to turn back to the bad old days of Robusta beans, exemplified by grandma's gallon tin of Taster's Choice.

No, Arabica is here to stay, but those who can no longer get a puro fix from purveyors like Chicago's Star Lounge or the Bay Area's Blue Bottle might seek inspiration from other sectors of the economy. Any drug hardened addict will confirm that until very recently, product purity on the street of 30-50% was all one could hope for, and it usually got the job done. So take a lesson in hard economics from the supply side: cut, cut, cut.

While the addition of flour, baking powder, and other bargain basement fillers would yield a vile brew indeed, a number of options exist for coffee enthusiasts seeking to extend their supply and keep margins high.

For those aiming simply to keep a baseline of quality control while doubling, even tripling the life of a pound of city-roast Sumatran or Kenya AA, NP advises the addition of an appropriate ratio of middling bean and varietal qualities, such as Safeway house blends, preground canned fare or, for the true gourmand, Chock Full o' Nuts. The latter boasts a woody undertone and an industrial can, in which the high and low grade can be mixed and stored surreptitiously yet stylishly.

Others may opt for a shock and awe strategy, blending a certain ratio of light roasted Costa Rican or Colombian with a brick of corner store Cafe Bustello or percolator ready Turkish gold. These options are both finely ground and high octane, imperiling french presses and dopamine receptors alike. Plus, guests will be impressed by your "house blend's" international appeal and corrosive relationship with dental enamel.

Either approach is time-tested and efficacious. What's more, they get a seal of approval from old folks and corner hoppers alike.

Bottles and Cans...

2008-11-13T13:15:00.005-05:00

Ever wonder about the coercive recycling practices in New York, California, and other coastal enclaves? These state and municipal governments simply know what the neighborhood vagrant has been telling you for years: those discarded bottles are worth their weight in gold! Or nickels.

Nineteen states, including New York, California, Maryland, and Massachusetts currently pay top dollar for returned bottles and cans, the former netting the savvy alley collector five cents per. While this may not sound like much (pocket change!), as many readers are likely learning, every little bit counts, particularly with the price of microbrewed beer holding steady at $10 a six pack. So put those empties to use.

Don't live in a state that boasts bottle bills or their equivalent? Try your hand at the Kramer method: simply pool your resources with the area "guy with a van" (or mail truck) and make a run for the border--the Michigan border. The Wolverine State is the promised land of cross border recycling raids, with its ample collection facilities, generous ten cent refund rate, and proximity to a handful of populous and recycling-retardant midwestern cities. A note of caution: some jurisdictions are catching on to these guerilla tactics, so strike while the iron is hot!

For the more ambitious, consider the industrial route: copper wiring and piping, discarded sheet metal, and abandoned radiators fetch a premium, as does platinum wiring from catalytic converters. These materials should be abundant as waterfront condo developments and fuel-intensive autos are left derelict in the months ahead. And while these methods were popularized by local shopping cart men and lovable ne'er-do-wells like the Wire's Bubbles, NP sees no reason that they should not go mainstream in the very near future.

Investment Banking

2008-11-13T11:24:00.006-05:00

The perennial nature vs. nurture debate may never be settled. But for now, NP is banking on nurture.

While high social capital, connected parents, and sparkling educational pedigree may have carried you to the verge of greatness, it may be time to give genetics their day in the sun. Even as banking of the Wall Street variety is rapidly losing its lustre, cryobanking will never go out of style.

A vast network exists for the solicitation and storage of genetic material, for example the interstate hegemon Fairfax Cryobank. Not your average back alley collection center, FC allows you to make your deposit in style, with an average payout of $209 per viable specimen--untaxed, no less. Particularly desirable donors (that means you, former editor of the Crimson) may be selected for repeat visits, exclusive engagements, and semiannual royalty checks.

Two hundred a drop not enough to invite existential dread into your life? Try five thousand, which the ladies out there can expect on average for their oocyte donation. Ivy league cred could up that figure.

What's more, the usual logistical barriers to this sort of banking, such as byzantine paperwork, background checks, and hours logged at the collection center should no longer prove insurmountable. The time spent will be roughly equivalent to that in the unemployment line, and arguably more lucrative.

But if the thought of an army of little hedge fund managers being born from coast to coast nine month from now gives you the sweats, consider the budget option: plasma. While jabbing a vein nets donors $25-$30 per donation, the payout is easily enough to keep one in Three Buck Chuck for the better part of a week. If nosy former-coworkers snipe about frequent visits to the blood bank, mumble something about Darfur.

Soviet Calisthenics

2008-11-12T17:50:00.011-05:00

It may be premature to suggest that the current economic climate is Brezhnevian. But there's no reason not to work out like it is.

Unpatriotic? Perhaps. But if NP has learned anything from Reagan-era classics like Rocky IV, it is that gulag tactics are easily adapted to American sensibilities. Rocky emerges victorious over his younger, taller, and better coiffed adversary only after subjecting himself to Siberia's worst: climbing snowcapped hills, chopping endless piles of timber, dragging a bullock cart through a field, and facing occasional harassment from a speeding Mercedes. And unlike his opponent's gym-centered routine, the Soviet method is gloriously free.

While it may be difficult to replicate the precise parameters of that regimen, close substitutes are at hand. Try stair-running in freshly vacated office towers, pullup/pushup circuits in housing project playgrounds, hurling now-redundant office furniture into the Gowanus Canal/Anacostia River, and, for the truly ambitious, outrunning traffic on Bedford Avenue.

Or consider kettlebells.

Feeling the Spirit

2008-11-12T13:28:00.006-05:00

According to the Times, the upcoming holiday season is slated to be one of the most dismal in recent history for retailers. And why shouldn't it be? When triaging the precious remnants of one's checking account, tough decisions have to be made. Daily eggnog latte vs. toys for the nephews? No brainer.

In order to save face during these difficult times, the newly downsized would do well to get in touch with their spiritual side. That is, inform close friends and relatives that in a turbulent world the *real* importance of Christmas/Chaunukah/Kwanzaa is not so much giving or receiving, but rather taking time for quiet, solitary (and free!) introspection. Playing the pious ascetic card is a guaranteed conversation ender/carte blanche, particularly if used judiciously.

And consider the benefits of actually attending services: histrionic lectures, poorly guarded offering plates, sacramental wine, and easy access to sundry 12-step programs.

Smokes

2008-11-12T10:54:00.008-05:00

The current economy provides vital data in the study of elasticity. For example, the consumption of luxury items like George Foreman Grills and Cabo Wabo tequila will decrease or simply become the prerogative of Manhattan's hyper-elite. Given falling wages, the demand for these goods is elastic. In contrast, the demand for other goods will stay the same (inelastic) or, indeed, increase. Cigarettes and asian noodles are strong examples of the latter.

But with tax and spend liberals at the levers of local and national power, the price of a pack of cigarettes in most urban environments will hover at $8-10 per pack. NP fears the incursion of the British style 10-cigarette pack may not be far off.

And even if one has not reached the point of loitering under the elevated tracks buying "loosies" with spare change (or smoking Carnival 100s), there are options.

1. For the more dextrous, rolling cigarettes is a desirable alternative to purchasing prepackaged smokes. If the home office is cutting out middle management, why not cut the middleman out of your deleterious habits as well? Canned or bagged tobacco can be purchased in bulk, and stores relatively well. Plus, the added nuisance of hand rolling the things while waiting on the subway platform or in the checkout line will prevent mindless chain smoking, and increase one's hardbitten, cowboy sex appeal.

2. For those whose manual abilities are limited to incessant mouse-clicking, the all-powerful internet will link smokers directly to discount distributors. These quasi-legal setups are usually run from the Rez, which earlier NP fact-finding trips confirm to be a Xanadu to hardened smokers and compulsive gamblers alike.

3. Alternately, one can simply drive across state lines. Many of the flyover states operate on a quantity-driven model, and rather than sin-taxing vice into oblivion, step aside and let the free-market and crippling addiction do the work. In many mountain and midwestern states, premium cigarettes sell for as little as $3 per pack. And with oil prices at a precariously low $70 a barrel, now may the time to take that long-deferred road trip. NP anticipates that the overall post-Hoover administration atmosphere that is sweeping the nation will be complemented by a return to good old fashioned bootlegging.

Jote

2008-11-12T10:53:00.001-05:00

From the humble toothfish to brutal dictator Augusto Pinochet, being "Chilean" grants one a lot of mileage in polite circles. So too for "Jote" (or Black Vulture), a heady blend of 50% rotgut and 50% cola adapted from the basque Calimocho, and many Balkan variations.

And if Jote's international bona fides don't get you, it's ruthless efficiency will. Although premium boxed wine has enjoyed something of a resurgence in recent years, for our money the tried and true blend of Franzia Cabernet and RC Cola is the path of least resistance.

This should prove a welcome addition to your next dinner party. Jote's exotic sabor will have guests recanting that last climbing trip in the Andes, or wistfully invoking the shared memory of a semester in Santiago. It will also have them, in the words of Axl Rose, flyin' like an aeroplane. While Jote goes down smooth, it is neurologically equivalent to drinking kerosene: use sparingly.

Que romantico!

Lecture Circuit

2008-11-12T10:28:00.004-05:00

When moving to the city, many downwardly mobile professionals considered the educational and networking benefits of lectures and symposiums. The eighty hour a week hustle often delayed those potential evenings taking in a policy briefing at the Council on Foreign Relations, say, or a scintillating tour of experimental agrarianism at PS1.

Fret not: our cities will be awash with newly discharged Republican officials on the speaking circuit and unemployable grad students clamoring for Mellon-funded lecture honorariums. Resist the overwhelming urge to seclude yourself with the back catalogue of Everybody Loves Raymond, and put yourself out there!

We find that it is always useful to have the unimpeachable alibi of a Slavoj Zizek talk to account for last night's activities, and most of these events are stocked with a range of refreshments, from middling chardonnay and cheese to a full spread of crudites and pocket-sized sandwiches.

NP recommends entering the talk later in the program or simply ducking into a bathroom directly from the lobby in order to optimize the bloviation/snacking ratio. An empty flask and handkerchief provide a useful assist in bringing the buffet table home, though the Rubbermaid container should be reserved for those with well-honed technique.

Four Square

2008-11-12T10:07:00.006-05:00

Until recently the refuge of hipsters gone to seed, kickball games sprung up in urban parks from Echo to Humbolt and McCarren. While it has been concurrently fashionable to deride these doughy underachievers with their American Apparel sweatbands and seemingly fun, quirky lifestyles, NP staff say if you can’t join them, beat them.

At a different game that they’re not allowed to play! Ultra Exclusive Four Square is like the Yale Club before they let in people from Dartmouth on exchange.

You'll need:
4 relatively even squares of pavement
1 ball stolen from a playground, preferably rubber, bigger than a broomball, smaller than a kickball
1 velvet rope
4 posts
4 slabs of marble

Erect the 4 slabs of marble around the 4 squares of pavement to create a room. We suggest hinging one of them so that you can get in or out.

As NP staff recall, something happens in Four Square with a King and Queen. Something to do with levels of achievement. Declare yourself king by stabbing the other person, or simply by reciting your CV to yourself, softly.

With corporate budgets and rosters rapidly evaporating, former inter-firm soccer and softball standouts will soon be riding the pine. Gone are the days of flashy company jerseys, bountiful Heineken-stocked coolers, and Monday morning bragging rights.

And the prospects for other traditional recreation (the annual trip to Aspen; shamanic voyage in the Yucatan) are even less rosy still.

With its reliance on a loose set of rules and rudimentary equipment (one red ball, medium sized), kickball is accessible to everyone, regardless of athletic prowess or portfolio stability. That’s why Four Square is the New Kickball. It’s only accessible to people you deem worthy, or who are around in the afternoons, like you, having been laid off from their jobs for making too much money.